Men, we have a problem. A very serious problem. I actually saw a woman behind the wheel of an automobile today. She wasn’t just sitting in a bank parking lot waiting for her man to cash his paycheck. She was actually DRIVING! And not like Aunt Mary does out on the farm in a big pasture with no trees. On a public road!
And nope, there was no man inside to give her proper instructions in what must have undoubtedly been an emergency situation. No other reason for it!
I have been hearing more and more of this sort of thing. I for one would rather ask my 10 year old next door neighbor boy to drive a car than some woman. What’s next? Motorcycles? Boats even? If they can’t drive between the lines, why should we expect them to be able to handle something without wheels? Ha! That’s why they say “Man the Lifeboats”, not otherwise. And will the big man upstairs have mercy on us all if she were to drive on a busy highway. Sort of like changing LA’s 105 / 110 cloverleaf into a streetlight intersection. Yep, kids, we’re skipping the bumper car ride and going straight to the demolition derby!
However, we all know the world is changing. I predict that more women will be sneaking out and driving our cars while we are out bowling. Knowing this, here are a few precautions to observe:
1) If she MUST drive in an emergency situation, like driving to the hospital to give birth alone (again), or going out during the big game for more of one of DOM’s favorite beers, like Cigar City’s Marshal Zhukov, caution her to NOT wear that seat belt. Obviously, we would not expect her to understand that it is better to be “thrown clear”. We men know that is why the manufacturers have recently stopped putting chicken wire inside the windshield!
2) Do yourself a favor and view the IMPORTANT COMMERCIAL at the end of this alert from the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company and buy the right tires – Polyglass!
3) Write this on a piece of tape: ←Left Pedal = Stop Right Pedal = Go→ Stick that on your dashboard right in behind the steering wheel. That will keep things easier for her, and avoid smashing through your garage door. (Also tape that over the vanity mirror on the sun visor – that way she won’t be tempted to put on all her lipstick and other face paint while waiting for the light to change.)
Men, it goes without saying to hide your keys. Just like the bullets. And remember, the next time you think you see some long haired hippie-man driving, it might just be a woman. Steer clear!
Ride Her Ass on Polyglas! – The Colonel