Laser gun-toting, gold bikini-wearing, and strange space haircuts are all characteristics of this week’s Who’s Hotter: Princess Leia vs. Queen Amidala. This could possibly be the closest BarRoom Debate we have had in weeks. Both options are viable, and you don’t need to be Johnny Cochran to make a case for either one of these Star Wars legends. Luckily, I have been in the enviable position to be born where both of the ladies are relevant. We are not predisposed to be biased one way or another, unlike the folks born in the 70′s or 90′s (1980′s - again the decade where legends are born).Princess Leia might have one of the most iconic goddess scenes in movie history - where she is wearing the gold bikini thing next to Jabba the Hutt. I always wondered how Jabba had such a sense of human fashion trending, when he himself is some large naked slug-like creature, but anyways…  To further bolster Leia’s argument, she whoops ass. She can wield just about any galactic weapon imaginable and can throw a punch or two as well. Natalie Portman retains the same qualities, as Queen Amidala, but she does not have those visually stimulating lack-of-dress scenes like Princess Leia. Both characters have points in the movie where their dress makes completely no sense, and the only reason that I can think of is that they sometimes refute the more economical ponytail look because they are rich. There is this strange conundrum that arises, because in the films Portman is Leia’s mom, but in real life Carrie Fisher is old enough to be Natalie Portman’s mom. Weird I know, but I digress.

This comes down to one thing for me and one thing only. The whole incest undertone that comes with Leia is enough to put Portman over the edge. I know they never come out and say it in Star Wars but Han Solo certainly thinks it is going on the entire time, and who am I to question “the Han”.  My thinking is: I already have to outperform a group of people who do David Copperfield-like magic tricks all the time, and who also jet set around the galaxy defeating people wearing armor that looks like a detached urinal. That’s tough but now I also have to compete with your brother as well. Count me out. Besides, queens are better than princesses. There are not any princesses in chess. I want the girl that comes with a slew of servants that can do just about anything I despise doing like laundry, exercise, and pouring my own beer. With a queen, I never have to worry that about again. Besides, the guy Portman was seeing just killed a whole bunch of little kids and is a bit of a creeper, there is no way that he will be in the picture too much longer, especially being burnt to crisp and only having one hand. I know Portman comes with twins but hell, that’s what she has the servants for anyway. Because of a strange incest thing and the superiority of a Queen, we are going Portman/Queen Amidala on this one.

Ever Wonder What Creature Yoda Dates,

-Han Taters