Dear Henry, I have gone out with this girl multiple times. Nothing is happening physically but she still keeps going out with me. This has been going on for three months. Please advise!
First, lets call this situation exactly what it is. You are in the midst of a cold war. You both have the large machinery but seemingly one of you does not want to use anything that goes boom. Thankfully, we have history to reference exactly how to settle this situation.
Step 1: Assess the situation. She is using the time old trick that many foreign powers have used with success over the years. She is attempting to drain you economically until you are no longer a viable option. This through dinners, chick flick movies (we will discuss drain on your dignity later), and nights out on the town. To develop a strategy that leads to fireworks, we must first cut off this tactic. STOP PAYING.
Step 2: Establish who is the sight worth seeing. Double X chromosomes have developed these tactics over their life span. It is a time honored tradition passed down from family to family until presently it is now part of their genetic predispostion. This of course is the, “Pay attention to me” gene. Also, known as the Lohan gene in some circles, you are currently appeasing this gene. Do not. Do not respond to texts immediately. Let calls go to voicemail.
Step 3: All or nothing. Eventually, the pride that had previously eroded from your body has returned. You have fended off an oncoming economic crisis, you have out foxed the traits created from the Ya Ya Sisterhood, and hopefully everyone has forgotten that you actually saw the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. It is now time to surpass the Line of Demarcation and see if we can finally bring out the big gun. If she stops your war of northern aggression, then it is time to cut the losses and move on. If you succeed, then see if Ms. Gorbachev will finally let you tear down that wall!
Henry the Moose of Manliness