You hear the roar of ships sailing over what was once a clear sky, now blocking out the sun like the smog on an average fall day in Newark, NJ. What was a prosperous, freedom loving town, has now been rendered to rumble. You have now worked your way past the makeshift barricade lines that comprise the last remnants of what could be called a defense (i.e. think Texans D last year). Yes, aliens have invaded. A bright light pierces through a break in the ship line and blinds you for a moment. You reach up and wipe a few drops of sweat from your damp brow. A voice comes into your head. You recognize the voice, but it is so distant. You lean your torso forward and close your eyes to focus on just who it is. Can it be? It is Detective John McClain. He informs you that he has been sent to deliver a message. You will be the sidekick of the team that saves the world. Now snap back to reality. THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE AND EARTH. Possibly the most important post we have made so far, we have listed the TOP 5 people to be sidekicks of if we are attacked by aliens. We weigh in on each of their unique abilities, theme songs, and reasons why they are good to have on your side when making the final stand against annihilation.

5. Kenny G (Saxaphone)

Ability:

Theme: Any bad Kenny G Song.

Explanation- Kenny G is single handedly the worst musician in world history. His audible wine coolers that he calls music could drive the aliens away from Earth. If you assume that aliens have a superior sense of hearing, then this is a sound choice. With merely human ears, one can barley stand to be in a room with him playing his musical sandpaper. Imagine if you could hear one hundred times better. The only logical answer….your head would explode.

4. Master Chief (Halo)

Ability: Replenishes life, destroys his enemies, customizable

Theme:

Explanation- Not much of an explanation should be needed. Master Chief provides everything. He has been kicking alien ass for years and he never seems to die. He is a SPARTAN. Master Chief can fire an array of weapons and anybody can be his sidekick. Think, what if the guy Detective John McClain picks is a gamer? Why stop at saving the earth when we can take out their horrible planet as well and send the French there.

3.

Ability: Rain hell fire on masses, control of lightning

Theme: Thunderstruck (AC/DC live version)

Explanation- If aliens have invaded, and they are destroying everything, we will need God on our side. Who better to provide it than Joel. He will always have hairspray handy for an insta-fire torch and plenty of shelter for refugees in his 16,800 seat Lakewood Church. He would rain down hell fire on all ships and smite the hethan alien hordes with lightning. Great pick, great mullet, great theme song = hard to beat.

2. Will Smith (Clean Rapper and Actor)

Ability: Experienced in all aspects alien invasion and has defeated them THREE times

Theme: Easy pick…the Fresh Prince theme song

Explanation- Will Smith has already been there done that. He has defeated them with Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black twice. However, the more impressive victory was his first victory in

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Alien, Actor, Governor, Kindergarden Teacher)

Ability: Already a legal Alien, medical experience, he is Arnold

Theme: Big Gun (AC/DC I know but he is in the video)

Explanation- This has to be your first choice. Arnold has defeated a Predator which everyone knows is the toughest in the alien world. He is already a LEGAL ALIEN. Arnold has insight on the aliens that no one else has. He also has the ability to spot cancer, “It is not a tumor!” and he has defeated countless armies by himself. Commando’s death rate alone should put him over the edge, but then you still have Total Recall where he lived on a foreign planet (believed to be where he was born according to some sources). Our pick to save the world is the most obvious choice because he is the best choice. Now, “Get to the Chopper!”

For Humanity,

-Taters