Fart Science: The Essence of Flatus (Eau de’ Fart)

Pretty girls fart.

Your mother does too.

Yes, we know these revelations may be shocking to most men!  But how is this possible, you ask?  The answer is that, well… all humans fart - even the cute ones.

Do you know why ET really went home. It’s because that pretty little girl in his room kept farting. He couldn’t stand it anymore. So he left! Flew his dang saucer away from her stink cannon as fast as his little Martian butt could go, yo!

So sudy this write-up, because then you will know the science behind it.  Oh, one last thing before the science part – you should alos know that not only do pretty girls fart, but so do – ohhh – ants, Mickey Mouse, whales, the 12 disciples, Barney, Warren Buffet, zombies, John Boehner, my gastroenterologist, Captain Kirk, France’s president, etc. Heck, even farts probably fart!

Props to DOM member Flatus for sharing the following wisdom:To “fart”, “pass gas”, “break wind”, “nert”, or “blow the horn”.  Besides sex, there is no other natural bodily function that tends to elicit such a varied range of emotional responses. From disgust to fear, shame, and ultimately at times pure joy and pleasure, expelling a bolus of gaseous methane from the dank and dark depths of ones own gastrointestinal tract can be both physically and spiritually life-changing.

The sad truth though is that most people don’t have a true understanding or working knowledge of flatus, including its origins, the science behind it, industrial applications, or even the potentially awesome destructive power if not properly harnessed. It is my mantra to enlighten the lay public through this educational piece, and to alter your simplistic views about a seemingly mundane bodily function -transforming and elevating its status to a more revered and understood entity, a virtual biologic symphony of gas exchange.  Yes, this is about the essence of “flatus”.

Webster defines flatus as “gas generated in the stomach or bowels”.  Researching deeper for its origins, from Latin the word flatus means “the act of blowing, act of breaking wind”.  Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same peristaltic process which causes feces to descend from the large intestine. The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.  So a tighter sphincter/tighter buttocks = the alto saxaphone, whereas a looser sphincter/flabby buttocks = bass guitar.  Many combinations are possible of course, so one can achieve a really awesome heavy metal band sound if you ass-emble the right combination of guys after a hearty meal of cabbage rolls, sauerkraut, and Old Milwaukee.

Fart gas is highly flammable and can be quite dangerous in certain circumstances! Nitrogen, the main constituent of plain ol’ “air”, is the primary gas released during flatulence, along with carbon dioxide. The lesser component gases, methane and hydrogen, are flammable, and so flatus containing adequate amounts of these can be ignited. This quality of flatus has been demonstrated, throughout the annals of college lore, with a lighter and endless supply of willing participants. In medicine there are rare cases of abdominal explosions using electrocautery or argon beam coagulators during routine colonoscopy with obviously disastrous results. And you farmers beware – a methane explosion at a hog farm in Rochester, Minnesota launched a man 40 feet into the air while working in a manure pit.

When compared with other bodily secretions and discharges (again obviously not including the undisputed champion of sexual discharges) flatus truly has no equal. There is no humor in sputum, slimy and very oyster-like. Ear wax, cerumen, can be somewhat interesting especially with an assortment of hair, dirt and the occasional arachnid body part embedded in its creamy malleable goo.  Forehead grease, especially for those of Italian ancestry, can be a fairly reliable determinant of the type of pizza eaten within the preceding 8 hours, but is really a one-horse show. Pimple discharge certainly has variety as a positive feature with pustules, cysts, and blackheads falling in this category. Urine clearly has some sought after qualities as it is sterile and then there’s that asparagus thing. Armpit and groin sweat – well, they’re just nasty.

Flatus has so many redeeming features, from the endless variety of tantalizing odors that can be produced, to the ability to manufacture, store, and ultimately transport the product to a desired release location. The well-known brief time delay between release of product and desired effect, allowing escape to a safe distance before suffering chemical self contamination, is a bonus. With proper training and sphincter coordination some anal connoisseurs can produce sounds that span two octaves and a vast range of staccato and flowing melodies. These talents can be especially humorous in public restrooms as a sneak attack on unsuspecting patrons, or shared as a bonding experience at family gatherings.

Perhaps most important in the spread of knowledge regarding flatus is the multitude of linguistic applications that can be applied to this phenomena. Certainly not an exhaustive list, but the following synonyms for flatus have been gleefully plagiarized from the internet and are listed for your future reference:   fart, air biscuit, call the general, cut the cheese, let her rip, toot, poot, shart (with an accompanying minor liquid or solid companion), heiny hiccup, puff daddy… feel free to list many more.

So flatus is more than just a word, an act, or a tool to be brandished without careful thought of potential consequence to self and others. It is a natural, universally available product that if cultivated properly, can be used effectively as a physical deterrent, can provide timely humor for home and work, can be honed to a fine art form, and of course result in physiologic pressure relief and in general satisfaction with one’s life.

So get out there boys, and enjoy and share one of life’s free little pleasures,

- submitted by DOM member Flatus

2 Responses to “Fart Science: The Essence of Flatus (Eau de’ Fart)”

  • TheDude: October 3, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    This is an absolute classic! haha! Flatus, is all of this true or were you just bullshitting (no pun intended)? Either way it was still pretty funny.

  • Dougie Brimson: January 12, 2012 at 4:42 am

    Great article. For more (much more!) like this, please visit http://www.theartoffart.net and purchase the new ebook, The Art of Fart!

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