The Bathroom: The Last Stand of Manliness

The most battle-ridden room in every man’s castle is the bathroom. It is meant for conflict, a full out battle every time you take a seat on the think tank. When a lady moves in with you, the subtle yet diabolical takeover of your life slowly begins. Hence, men must stop women from taking over their bathroom. First it’s that one small closet, and then maybe some wall space, and then next, possibly the entire living room. So do you see how the last stand for every man is his bathroom? We must retrain ourselves to think of our bathroom as the “castle keep” – a refuge of last resort should the rest of the castle fall to an adversary.  And we all know who that is, now don’t we?

The bathroom’s décor should be a reflection of the war-ravaged domination that you inflict with extreme prejudice on a daily basis. It’s you against… the toilet, the whiskers, the toenail clippings, the stray flicked booger on the mirror, etc.  It is NOT a place for pink polka dots or some other emasculating, effeminate décor. If you lose the bathroom, you lose the whole adobe. More than that, you lose your identity. Trust me, you will be doing yourself and all your descendants a favor by making a stand now.

Here is a shining example of a Man’s Bathroom, as furnished by the immortal Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor:

Think about it. If you lose the bathroom, she will own all the land in the kingdom. Stop her. Stop her before she gets hunkered down like some entrenched warthog, dug in deep, bound and determined to not give back any ground she has won. Ground that was yours and now is hers. You can forget it if that happens. It’s like her once soft sweet hands have now become hooves with claws, with painted nails of course (painted in YOUR bathroom). Your stuff will be relegated to a puny 3″ by 3″ cemetery plot on a remote corner of the sink counter. And her permanent encampment will now make you late to all your future engagements. So when you would normally be dropping deuces in the weekly post-Hooters-50-wings war, but she decides to “spruce up” right before you enter your war room, you will instead be fighting an internal intestinal war that you simply cannot win. So if you then shit your pants, shame on you, sir!

It must be established that the bathroom is your room, the toilet is your throne, and you will not forfeit these to effeminate domain. It is place made by men, for men.  Can I have an “Amen”?




Henry the Moose of Manliness

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