Men Don’t Split Entrees

In general, the success of many relationships hinges on the ability to compromise. You sometimes need to give in a little bit for the betterment of the relationship. This rule does not apply to food… To explain further, men should not sacrifice their food choices, to instead “split” something with their lady. This is not compromise. By the end of the meal, she is full and you are not. Compromise would imply that either both of you are full or both still hungry.

This is one specific position in a relationship where the man must stand strong. If you want a footlong sandwich then order it. You should not have your sustenance decisions dictated to you by a species that notoriously considers a salad “filling”.

Men, this is one of the last stands for our individual freedom. In fact, we feel strongly enough about it that we are considering amending the Mandependence 10 ComMANdments to include: THOU SHALT NOT SPLIT YOUR ENTRÉE.

There are certain times men must give in to the primal nature of our beings. We like food, and to take it further, we like a lot of it. Some of the greatest slices of America are built on this foundation. Do you think we would have All You Can Eat buffets if we gave into the “Let’s split an entrée” idea? Hell no! Our entire basis for food decisions should be set in our own individuality. I enjoy All You Can Eat seafood and love Golden Corral’s All You Can Eat breakfast buffet.

So the next time the old lady tries to get you to split a shrimp penne pasta from Ruby Tuesday’s, put your foot down. Say, “Listen honey, I am the alpha lion of this dinner table. Therefore, to stay as head of our pride I must eat a large, big boy entree by myself… and hell, maybe even an appetizer. If you think you can’t finish a kids’ chicken fingers then take it home.” Boom. Get your freedom back.

 

-H.M.M.

Henry the Moose of Manliness

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