Taters, Founding Father

Born in the ferocious concrete jungle of New Jersey in a flannel diaper and with a receding hairline, Jason Mashed Taters was destined from birth for greatness.

Baptized by Ronald Reagan; Gene Simmons, ZZ Top, and John Belushi’s ghost were all in attendance. Jason spent his formative years developing an expertise in… distillation, beer brewing and sleeping with Ms. Pacman.

As the only living survivor of Custer’s Last Stand, he spent his teenage years as a deputy under Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, Arizona. After a verbal barrage at Curly Bill Brocius, Jason is credited with instigating the shootout at the OK Corral. Legend has it he was once ejected from the Russian Premier Hockey League for too much fighting and in the same year he won the coveted B.E.E.R. (Baron Erik Einstein Ronstrulselhausen) drinking championship of 1999. In his college years, he majored in post apocalyptic tobacco cultivation with a minor in the 1985 Chicago Bear’s defense.

During a camping trip to Montana with Angus Young and Mike Ditka, Jason was attacked by a Kodiak bear. During the ensuing battle, Jason and his camping party were saved by Henry the Moose of Manliness. Henry used his martial art skills, which all moose are known for of course, to fend off the bear. Striking an immediate friendship with Henry, the two decided to journey to Florida to control the panther population.

Shortly after arriving in Florida, they met Big Al, who through divine providence was sent to turn the tides of the effeminate trend that had been slowly eroding the manliness of the world. The three decided to develop a combative army of like minded men to help vanquish this evil fiend. Through the counsellorship of The Colonel, the Declaration of Mandependence was born.

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