Sanders, aka “The Colonel”, Founding Father

Little is known about Sanders’ birthplace or childhood. Some scholars believe that he is a descendent of noble Germanic bloodline and is the rightful heir to the Baron Von Badass.Others argue that his lineage pre-dates Pangaea.

What is known is that as a young man he traveled across North America with a band of Romanian gypsies, slaying Vampires and Werewolves. After awhile, he grew bored with the lack of danger associated with hunting the unholy demons, so he joined a high-stakes curling team. His skills were unmatched and in 1981, Sports Illustrated named him the “The Greatest Athlete to Ever Play Any Sport Ever.”

People around the world call him The Colonel, however the title’s exact origin is still unknown and he will not discuss it. For centuries, world governments have continued to deny his involvement in the infamous Carpathian Mountains UFO coverup. The predominant rumor is he earned the nickname while in New Orleans as the proprietor of a back alley brothel catering to river boat pirates. Or it may simply refer to his fondness for chicken wings deep-fried in feral pig fat.

In 1984 he wed his longtime Irish-German personal beer maiden and the couple moved into a five story log cabin perched on the edge of a cliff in the Grand Canyon. With the news of a future son on the way, The Colonel recorded his reaction in a journal entry, “Oh shit.” He named his son Big Al, after Odin’s famous warhorse of Norse mythology. He vowed that no son of his would grow up to lead a life of misguided effeminate tendencies, so he cast his only child into the wilderness to find his inner manliness. Years later, Big Al returned a hardened manly-man. The Colonel sent him off to college, confident his son’s time immersed in the wild had prepared him to embark on a crusade to reclaim Man’s throne as King of the household. Big Al united with Jason Mashed Taters and Henry the Moose of Manliness to combat the social castration of manliness. In time, they would call upon The Colonel’s wisdom to help draft The Declaration.

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