Big Al, Founding Father

Birthed in the frostbitten hills of northern Ohio, Big Al emerged from his mother’s womb and immediately spanked the doctor.

At age four, his father, The Colonel, decided it best to cast his only son into the wilderness to find his inner manliness. Raised by a family of grizzly bears, Big Al quickly learned what it meant to defend your territory, eat… massive amounts of food at once and the inherent ability to smell fear from 200 yards away. At the age of 9, Big Al had a thicket of chest hair and a full goatee. The proverbial man-child then decided to reintroduce himself into human society.

The Colonel welcomed him back with a cold handshake and these ever so eloquent words of wisdom, “Get a job.”After apprenticing as a blacksmith and working as a lumberjack on weekends, Big Al entered high school as a man amongst boys. He soon discovered the game of football, became a hulking offensive lineman, and built the school’s new gymnasium… by himself.

As a college student, Big Al learned that some of his fellow students were shaving their chest hair, had regular tanning bed schedules, listened to “rave” music, and were barley afloat in a violent sea of estrogen. It was then that Big Al proclaimed his life mission to repel the social castration of manhood and restore it to the likes of George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, George S. Patton, and Walker Texas Ranger. Then, by divine intervention from Henry the Moose of Manliness, Big Al was united with a man who shared his vision for the return of manliness, Jason Mashed Taters. With a mouth like a profanity nail gun, Taters had a similar upbringing, having been thrust into the dirty concrete jungle of New Jersey and raised by street corner alcoholics. Combined, the two men became an unstoppable force, hell-bent on restoring the sanctity of manliness. They are often compared to a Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee wrestling tag team. And they are still fighting the good fight today.

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